Thursday, May 16, 2013


Well, I think it's clear I'm not going to be able to achieve the "every day" part of the Blog Every Day in May challenge Jenni has created, but I have been blogging much more this month than I have in months past so I'm proud of that achievement. 

Today, the topic is asking about a lot in life, or a card you've been dealt that makes life more difficult for you. 

You know, I hate to really even write on this topic because who wants to hear about that stuff? Who wants to hear about gloom & doom? And yet, there is a particular thing that does make my life a little more difficult & I take extra measures to make sure I'm not controlled by it. That thing is? Anxiety.

I've talked about my anxiety before and it's been recent but luckily, I foresee my talking about anxiety coming to an end very soon because I just quit the pediatrician & went to an adult doctor who said um, hello, the medicine you're taking for anxiety isn't actually for anxiety. Well, that would have been nice to know.

I vaguely remember telling my roommate a few months ago, this is what anxiety is - the essence of it ... I feel scared but I don't even know what I'm scared of. Yeah, that's what anxiety is. Anxiety is worrying that something might happen when there is no real evidence that it will.

It started with separation anxiety when I was in elementary school.

At the time, my mom was traveling a lot for work and I worried, to the point of making myself sick and crying for days, that she would die in a plane crash and never come back. I worried (I kid you not) that I wouldn't be able to find my hairbrush while she was gone. I worried I would need her help with something and she wouldn't be there to help.

And now the root of my anxiety has changed but it hasn't gone away.

Truthfully, my anxiety has skyrocketed since Drew out-of-the-blue started dating another girl last fall. No, we weren't technically together but I never expected him to just find someone else, leave me so suddenly & not want to come back. I was blindsided. And no, it's not his fault. My anxiety is not Drew's fault, no way, no how. But that situation made it much worse. Through my grandma dying, through my dad leaving & through lots of turmoil from both, Drew was my constant & all of the sudden, that was gone seemingly permanently and without warning. It was one thing I just never, ever expected. 

And so lately, my anxiety has been worse.

 I worry about things like being good enough for him. I worry about being attractive enough and fun enough and low maintenance enough. I worry about him finding someone else, about him getting bored with me & about me being all alone again. (Although, that's anxiety speaking because I know I wouldn't be alone for long & that boyfriend or no boyfriend, I have lots of good friends & family and I'm never truly alone)

Luckily, there are things I can do to help with my anxiety & it doesn't have to control me. I workout a lot - thats a huge help with stress & anxiety. I take medicine (hopefully something that will help now), I have great friends & I'm very self-aware so I know when I need to just take a timeout & breathe. Also, I try to be very honest with myself about things & tell myself when I'm being irrational. So with effort, I can control it.

Nevertheless, anxiety is bothersome & something I would not wish on anyone. Anxiety is the card I would give back to the dealer if I could.


1 comment:

jess said...

girl i totally feel you. my anxiety ruled my life for 22 years until one person told me that i am capable of telling it to STOP. it's not literally that easy, but what helps me is to recognize that it's coming & try to shut it down. in the beginning, i would just say "i am not going to stress about things i cannot control." i'd say that over & over until i felt better, & if that didn't work, i did something with my hands.

ultimately i just needed to build myself & realize that i am BIGGER than my anxiety, my worry, my doubt. you are too. it's a constant battle, sometimes you lose, but as long as you're still fighting, you're doing something. hang in there <3