Monday, January 31, 2011

It's Complicated.

Have you seen the movie, It's complicated with Diane Keaton & Steve Martin? If you haven't, you may be totally lost with this post.

Here's the deal, my parents? They are the It's Complicated couple. The other night, I was talking to my mom & she was telling me that she thinks she & my dad love each other more than any other divorced couple she knows. I totally believe it.

You may or may not have read before that my dad began having an affair with another woman when I was 5 years old. My mom was traveling a lot & when she would come home, she only wanted to spend time with me. Not much got done while she was gone either, so she had to make up for lost time. Their relationship suffered & he began having an affair.

My dad is still with that woman today. She's his girlfriend. My mom stuck by him until I was 13 years old when she found out he was still having the affair. The hurt she suffered when she found out, when she came home & all of his stuff was gone & when he continued to be with him is immense.

Dad continues to drown his unfortunate circumstances in alcohol & the girlfriend is with him whenever he is home, which isn't often since he's a truck driver. He shows her no affection and hardly talks to her at all while she constantly feels a need to be touching him, to be doing things for him and to put pictures up of her grandchildren in his house. She never stops trying to feel acceptance.

Meanwhile, my mom & dad still talk many times throughout the week. He will call her just to talk & she will do the same. Apparently, they even occasionally meet for lunch or dinner sometimes.

The worst part? The saddest part? The part that has been making me take belly breaths all weekend - the kind that help to squeeze back the tears?

Is that despite the fact that every time they talk about each other, I see the love seeping through their veins, my dad will never come around. He will never stop being an alcoholic. He will never be able to put other's needs in front of his wants. It just won't happen.

& so because of this situation, I'm not a believer in the saying, "all you need is love". Because my parents love each other as much as any 2 people can, but my dad is sick - unwilling to get help, and they're not together. Apparently you need a lot more than love.


Unknown said...

I think this is unbelievably true. It's sad though. I'm sorry that your parents have to go through that, but I guess it a way you should be happy that they love each other instead of hate each other. What do you think it takes for two people who "love" each other to make things work? Is it just the effort to deal with the other's problems, or is it something deeper and a lot more complicated?

Ali said...

I think more than anything, I will look for someone who is willing to talk things out & who puts other's needs in front of theirs. I don't think love is enough. They say the more you give, the more you get & I totally believe that. It has to be understood that the marriage wont be easy, that there will be ups and downs, but that we will not give up & will work every day to make the other person happy & their life easier. That's what its all about.