Thursday, June 21, 2012

Surviving

Cummins has decided to implement a new workplace idea that says people should be able to sit wherever they want, whenever they want. The first order of business in order to do that, was to remodel the corporate building basement so it was fit for people moving around all the time and not having any set place to sit and the interns have been assigned to that space first. There are couches (that aren't that comfy), there are desks, there are rooms with curtains and even small ones with doors. Supposedly, there's a space for any kind of work one may need to do from a individual project to a big meeting.

Well, I'm not really a "collaborative work space" kind of girl. I like to do my work in peace, with my headphones in, without distraction. If I'm working with people, I'm going to be chatting the entire time. So, I've taken to looking for people's desks (with permission of course) who are on vacation. This week, I'm in a pretty nice space. The area is big and open and there's even room for more than just me if I need to meet with someone during the day.

The first day, I did what anyone would do - I looked around. I checked out this lady's pictures on her desk and studied the things hanging on her bullitein board, one of which was a little paper entiteled, "Upward Mobility", A few things to keep in mind the next time you tackle your own heartbreak hill. Hmmmm, how fitting. And the second bullet point down said, "Fear of pain is worse than pain itself."
And after this week, I can say that's true. You see, I've hesitated to say it on the blog because it made it seem more real than I cared for it to be but, Drew and I are broken up. Who knows how long this will last? Maybe a few months, maybe a few years, maybe forever. I don't think any of us can tell. But for now, we're broken up. And yes, of course, I'm sad. After almost seven years I'm not sure how anyone could not be sad but the thing is, I'm not dying.

And I thought I would die. 


I really did. I mean, I think we've both known for God knows how long that we needed some time apart. It got to the point where we were literally hanging on by threads to something that wasn't fun or making either of us happy. But we were scared. We've grown up together, we've made every big monumental step thus far together - from middle school to high school and from high school to college. That means a lot. And it's scary to think about doing future things without him. So I held on ... we both did. We held on even when we knew it was doing neither of us any good.

So I'm still a little hesitant to say this for sure because sometimes I worry this is the calm before the storm. I'm waiting for myself to just crumble when I least expect it because I heard a song or smelled a smell that reminds me of him. But as of now, I think the fear of the pain is worse than the pain itself. No, I'm not jubilent, and there are still many challenges ahead, but I'm surviving and there have been times the last week when I've even been happy.

I guess what I want you to know, is that if you're waiting for "the right time" to make a big, hard decision like this one. There is no right time. And also, you're probably much more scared of what might happen than anything else - usually, those things don't even happen. You know, maybe there's a future for Drew and I, I don't know. What I do know though, is that our future was dark as long as we stayed comfortable in the same old patterns - we needed this - and I'm survivng.

4 comments:

Amanda said...

I've been reading/following for a while, rarely comment. However, wanted you to know that your reaction is normal. When something isn't right, for whatever reasons, you're not going to have the same reaction as you would have had it been a complete shock to your system.

I got divorced, without a tear about my marriage ending. I cried because of the unknown, and leaving one of my dogs behind (I kept the other). I learned something from that...it had been over for a long time, we held on for the wrong reasons.

Good luck. You may break down at an unexpected time, you may not. Doesn't mean anything's wrong with you. It means you're human. Something that has been a comfortable place for you for 7 years is not there any more. You'll learn and grow from this. And, believe it or not, you'll look back and appreciate the lessons you will/have learned.

Best of Luck

K said...

So sorry to hear about you and Drew. Break-ups are seriously the worst. It's hard to make big decisions when something feels so comfortable, but your happiness is the most important part.

Thinking of you!

kenli said...

i love you, miss. you know you can always ALWAYS talk to me if you need to - about anything.

i totally understand what you're going through and these emotions, but know that you can shoot me a text or call me whenever if things go south. or even if you just want to chat :) i miss you!

The Gambrel Family said...

Wishing you the best! Thinking of you!