Thursday, February 16, 2012

Things I'm Scared Of.

I was telling someone the other day that I've always been a person riddled with anxiety. Well, ever since I could remember I have been, anyway. I've worried about every little thing under the sun, big and small, logical and irrational. And it's not like I just think about it sometimes. No, I think about these things on a daily basis. 

I don't know what made me this way - so worried about everything. Well actually, I do. It was a house that was filled with tension for as long as I can remember where people were sad or mad all the time. No one really talked about it but I always felt it. I guess maybe that's what I wonder about - where did I pick that up?

I'm a sponge. It's been proven in tests, even. I pick up on the emotions of the environment I'm in regardless of if they're good or bad. That fact & me not being able to do any math problem above 2+2 are why the career counselor I went to told me I should absolutely not be a nurse regardless of how much I love to help people. 

This anxiety and sponginess is something I really try to work on. I try to pay attention to when I'm feeling it and breathe purposefully, go workout or write. 

Well, and medicate myself. legally, of course.

But, I'd like to give you a little list of the things I worry about on a normal basis ... a day in the life of my anxiety riddled brain:

  • Will I ever find someone I want to marry?
  • Will I ever allow myself to relax enough to get into a really committed relationship, one where I'm not always in control?
  • Will I find someone who's a good dad for my children?
  • Will I be able to have children?
  • What if I can't have children?
  • Will I have a good career?
  • What if I don't find a husband by the time I leave college - how will I ever meet someone then?
  • Will I ever be able to move more than an hour away from my mom?
  • Is our relationship abnormal? Like, should I be less attached to her?
  • What if something happens to my mom? How would my life ever go on?
  • Am I going to make it through these next 2 years at Butler now that I'm not in a sorority and 85% of campus is?
  • Do people think I'm weird?
Okay, I'm gonna stop there even though I could probably go on for 10-20 more bullet points. 

This anxiety thing is something I really, really loathe. And I hope my kids never go through anything that causes them to have this kind of anxiety.

But what if they do? How would I handle that?

ha. Just kidding. 

Kind of.



jess said...

i don't think your anxieties are weird or even unwarranted -- i worry about some of these things daily, too, especially the kid thing, which doesn't make sense because i think we're both far from having kiddos. i also worry that people judge me because i like reading mom blogs but i don't have kids, what if my mom dies before i have kids, what if i'm too poor to have kids, etc. etc. etc.! i think it's human to worry, so don't worry! (:

Caitlin said...

Girl. I have some of those same anxieties! Thank goodness for legal medications to help a sister out. The mom issue is one I can relate to... I call my mom at least 4 times a day... I have no clue what I would do if I couldn't do that anymore. Freak out, I'm sure.
And as far as the sorority thing... I go to Ole Miss. It has one of the most notorious Greek scenes in the South. And even so, we're only REALLY about 30 ish % Greek. It probably seems like more of your campus is Greek right now because you live on campus... I definitely didn't feel as left out/out numbered by those that were Greek once I moved out of the dorms... just saying.

Jane said...

Oh my gosh, so many of the same fears. It'll all work out though, that's what I'm constantly telling myself.

I'm new to your blog -- so cute!


Katie said...

You are not alone. I have all these same fears. I always tell myself everything will fall into place.

New follower--Love your blog!! :)