I was telling someone the other day that I've always been a person riddled with anxiety. Well, ever since I could remember I have been, anyway. I've worried about every little thing under the sun, big and small, logical and irrational. And it's not like I just think about it sometimes. No, I think about these things on a daily basis.
I don't know what made me this way - so worried about everything. Well actually, I do. It was a house that was filled with tension for as long as I can remember where people were sad or mad all the time. No one really talked about it but I always felt it. I guess maybe that's what I wonder about - where did I pick that up?
I'm a sponge. It's been proven in tests, even. I pick up on the emotions of the environment I'm in regardless of if they're good or bad. That fact & me not being able to do any math problem above 2+2 are why the career counselor I went to told me I should absolutely not be a nurse regardless of how much I love to help people.
This anxiety and sponginess is something I really try to work on. I try to pay attention to when I'm feeling it and breathe purposefully, go workout or write.
Well, and medicate myself. legally, of course.
But, I'd like to give you a little list of the things I worry about on a normal basis ... a day in the life of my anxiety riddled brain:
- Will I ever find someone I want to marry?
- Will I ever allow myself to relax enough to get into a really committed relationship, one where I'm not always in control?
- Will I find someone who's a good dad for my children?
- Will I be able to have children?
- What if I can't have children?
- Will I have a good career?
- What if I don't find a husband by the time I leave college - how will I ever meet someone then?
- Will I ever be able to move more than an hour away from my mom?
- WHAT IF I NEED TO MOVE MORE THAN AN HOUR AWAY FROM MY MOM?
- Is our relationship abnormal? Like, should I be less attached to her?
- What if something happens to my mom? How would my life ever go on?
- Am I going to make it through these next 2 years at Butler now that I'm not in a sorority and 85% of campus is?
- Do people think I'm weird?
- DOES ANYONE EVEN LIKE ME?
Okay, I'm gonna stop there even though I could probably go on for 10-20 more bullet points.
This anxiety thing is something I really, really loathe. And I hope my kids never go through anything that causes them to have this kind of anxiety.
But what if they do? How would I handle that?
ha. Just kidding.