Bloomington is about an hour from Butler & since we had to be there at 8 on Saturday morning, I didn't want to have to drive back so I asked my best friend Nikki if I could stay with her in Bloomington that night.
After the conference was over Friday night, I drove over to Nikkis & as I was driving, I remembered that Drew's ex-girlfriend, Tori, lived right behind Nikki & her roommate Kellie and chances were good she would be there that night too.
I have this weird thing that when I am kind of anticipating something that will make me mad happening, it makes me even madder when it does because I just knew it would happen.
That scenario happened that night.
I knocked on the door & when Nikki's roommate, Kellie, opened it she said, "Oh! I thought you were Tori!"
Tori and I had been friends before she & Drew dated but as things usually go with girls, when they started dating, we started not liking each other.
I had tried a few times to be nice to her after he & I got back together and never had any progress so I kind of gave up. I was pretty angry with her.
My face went blank when Kellie said that. "What?", I said, "I hate her".
I didn't hate her, but I was upset that Nikki would have a girl at her apartment that she knew I very much didn't like when she knew I'd be there too. Especially when I expected it to happen, like I said.
I ran up the stairs to Nikki asking why Tori was going to be there & she pretty much didn't give it the time of day. She told me that since I had forgiven Drew, I should forgive Tori too. But it was different.
Tori showed up with more people and they all started partying downstairs. Eventually, I went down there too but with no plans to drink in a drinking crowd & not being a fan of Tori, I was unusually quiet. I stood with my arms folded just staring. That's not like me.
It wasn't long before Tori came up to me & started talking.
She told me she didn't want me to hate her anymore and said even if I tried to deny it, she knew I did.
I didn't say much.I just listened to her tell me how sorry she was for being mean to me, but she was just jealous. She told me she had always thought I was pretty & never thought I was fat even though she told people that. She said she knew I never meant to hurt her.
I listened for a long time before explaining myself & before she said she understood. We made some small talk before they all left for the next party & I did enjoy the conversation but since she was drinking I wasn't really sure how genuine she was.
I left indifferent.
Thursday night I was on my way to pick up a friend for dinner when I got a text from Nikki that said, "Tori died today".
I couldn't believe it but when I found it on the Bloomington news, I couldn't deny it anymore.
Tori had been driving back to IU from home, got distracted, hit a guard rail, overcorrected & flew into oncoming traffic. She died on impact.
These last few days have been very hard. I've gotten a total of about 12 hours of sleep & have basically just been running on adrenaline.
People our age aren't supposed to die & especially a girl as full of life as Tori was.
Take a murderer or a rapist but don't take a 19 year old girl living on her own, working to pay for everything she owned because her family wasn't in her life & still going to school.
But she's gone now.
She's in heaven & she's happy.
She's no longer bouncing around to different peoples houses because she doesn't have a home. She's not working her ass of to have somewhere to live & something to drive. She's not struggling with relationship issues because her mom abandoned her & her dad kicked her out.
She's in heaven with God, happier than she's ever been.
But I'm still here, sad that I never made up with her & held such a grudge against her.
I read all of the things people have written on her Facebook & know I really missed out on having a great friend because I couldn't get over her being skinnier & Drew having feelings for her.
If nothing else, Tori serves as a reminder: don't hold grudges, there's no reason for it. Look for the good in others instead of focusing on the bad because I promise, once someone is gone, the good shines through so much stronger than the bad & if you've never paid any attention to it, you'll really regret it.
Those gorgeous eyes. I'll never forget those.