Sunday, May 22, 2011

Growing Pains

If you've been reading Young & Restless for a while, you know that I've had a boyfriend, Drew, for nearly 6 years now.

We started dating in 8th grade (if you can even call it that) and here we are today, the summer between our freshman & sophomore year of college.

Drew & I have been through so much together; all of the hard things I've ever dealt with.

We were dating when my parents divorced & when Nana died.

We were dating when we graduated high school & when for the first time, we moved out of our parents' houses.

& yet, as I sit & write this, I can't help but acknowledge the fact that we have both changed over the years & we're growing apart.

I am more mature than most 30-year-olds & he's still a 19-year-old boy.

I'm ready to put my stamp on the world & he just wants to play.

I want to be together & be there for each other & right now, he'd rather be playing basketball & drinking beer with the guys.

We're in 2 different places right now & honestly, we're every bit of broken up except saying it.

You haven't been seeing a lot of posts about him because it feels like I'm single.

I could do anything & he would never know because he doesn't ask questions or really even care about what I'm doing.

I know that I'm better off not asking him to come with me places because he will most likely say no or he wont show up on time & I'm not really up for a fight lately.

But, while the state of our relationship is in limbo & I don't really know where it's going, there's one thing I know for sure: The end of a long-term relationship is more or less like a death.

I have been called a drama queen a time or two & I really don't think I am, but I definitely don't think I'm far off here.

When someone dies, you don't talk to them anymore; just as after a break-up, you don't talk to the other person anymore. or rarely.

When someone dies, there are good days & there are some all out horrible ones. The same is true of a break-up. There are days I feel like I'm fine without him & then there are days I really don't want to get out of bed.

When someone dies, you try to pull it together; you try to be strong. I'm trying so hard. I rarely cry unless I'm really hurt & honestly, I don't really want to talk about it so I try not to be sad for fear of having to explain.

Sometimes break-ups get downplayed, but I don't see why. Break-ups are hard & especially long-term ones.

Of course, I & everyone else going through a break-up or some semblance of one will survive, but just as in death, breakups take time to recover from.

Life won't be the same; in fact, it could be much different.

 & I think in order for me to heal & come out on the other side of this thing better, I need to mourn it.

 I need to cry when I feel like crying, talk about it when I want to & be by myself when I need that too.

I wish I had a great way of ending this but I don't ... I guess I'll just try to choke down some dinner & make it through without crying. I'll try to make my voice sound normal & paste a smile on. It's easier that way.


Ashley said...

Ali, I am going through the exact same thing, except its with my husband. We have just grown apart and it kills me to see my marriage falling apart and not being able to fix it. I think this is a risk everyone takes when we fall in love. If you wanna talk, email me, it might help being that we are in similar situations. Keep your head up and know that eventually, no matter what happens it will get easier.


Kenli said...

aw love i'm so sorry. we're both dealing with this right now and it's absolutely horrible. i wish i had words that could make this better and bring a smile to your face, but i know what it feels like and sometimes being sad is all you can do. you are so strong and have your head on straight, you will do the right thing.

please feel free to get in touch with me if you just need someone to chat with. find me on twitter @kenlipeterson because i don't think i'm "searchable" on facebook. (for some reason i decided to be some sort of facebook ninja..?)


Aly @ Analyze This said...

Aww, Al, I'm sorry you are going through this. Let's grab coffee or something soon, ok?

Love ya girl!

Heir to Blair said...

oh, honey. I am sorry.

I've been there - the long term boyfriend, the one you thought you would spend your life with, the growing apart that you know is both of you but you feel like you've left him behind. I was there with my high school boyfriend & it was between our sophomore & junior years of college. I was the business scholar, executive vice president of my sorority, ready to plan for my future. He was interested in poker night & exploring cheap beer. You are much smarter than me, however - I kept dragging the relationship along in complete denial while he was blatantly cheating on me.

Long story short, I did mourn the relationship. HARD. & I think that's the way it should be because in that mourning, I discovered what I really wanted from a relationship. So yes, absolutely mourn the relationship. Learn from it. & keep growing.

You're going to be okay. More than okay, even if it may not feel that way right now.

I could tell you some pretty funny stories about the next following years, too. Including me pushing him off a barstool when I ran into him downtown & was engaged to my husband.

Cameron said...

Just wanted to let you know I love you. I was in your position about 2 months ago and I'm still trying to get through it on a day to day basis. Take the time you need to mourn. It gets better, and you definitely learn and grow stronger from it. I'm here for you girl.

Love you.

Caitlin said...

I know I'm a little late reading this and leaving my comment, but I'm just catching up on blogs after a long weekend away. I can't begin to imagine how you must feel. My ex and I dated for nearly two years, and even now after nearly 4 months since our split it still hurts. You are right about a break up being like a death. And I understand what you mean about growing apart, the situation was the same for me. I'm not really sure what advice to share other than stay strong and follow your heart. Thinking about you and hoping things get easier!