If you've been reading Young & Restless for a while, you know that I've had a boyfriend, Drew, for nearly 6 years now.
We started dating in 8th grade (if you can even call it that) and here we are today, the summer between our freshman & sophomore year of college.
Drew & I have been through so much together; all of the hard things I've ever dealt with.
We were dating when my parents divorced & when Nana died.
We were dating when we graduated high school & when for the first time, we moved out of our parents' houses.
& yet, as I sit & write this, I can't help but acknowledge the fact that we have both changed over the years & we're growing apart.
I am more mature than most 30-year-olds & he's still a 19-year-old boy.
I'm ready to put my stamp on the world & he just wants to play.
I want to be together & be there for each other & right now, he'd rather be playing basketball & drinking beer with the guys.
We're in 2 different places right now & honestly, we're every bit of broken up except saying it.
You haven't been seeing a lot of posts about him because it feels like I'm single.
I could do anything & he would never know because he doesn't ask questions or really even care about what I'm doing.
I know that I'm better off not asking him to come with me places because he will most likely say no or he wont show up on time & I'm not really up for a fight lately.
But, while the state of our relationship is in limbo & I don't really know where it's going, there's one thing I know for sure: The end of a long-term relationship is more or less like a death.
I have been called a drama queen a time or two & I really don't think I am, but I definitely don't think I'm far off here.
When someone dies, you don't talk to them anymore; just as after a break-up, you don't talk to the other person anymore. or rarely.
When someone dies, there are good days & there are some all out horrible ones. The same is true of a break-up. There are days I feel like I'm fine without him & then there are days I really don't want to get out of bed.
When someone dies, you try to pull it together; you try to be strong. I'm trying so hard. I rarely cry unless I'm really hurt & honestly, I don't really want to talk about it so I try not to be sad for fear of having to explain.
Sometimes break-ups get downplayed, but I don't see why. Break-ups are hard & especially long-term ones.
Of course, I & everyone else going through a break-up or some semblance of one will survive, but just as in death, breakups take time to recover from.
Life won't be the same; in fact, it could be much different.
& I think in order for me to heal & come out on the other side of this thing better, I need to mourn it.
I need to cry when I feel like crying, talk about it when I want to & be by myself when I need that too.
I wish I had a great way of ending this but I don't ... I guess I'll just try to choke down some dinner & make it through without crying. I'll try to make my voice sound normal & paste a smile on. It's easier that way.