Not Happy About It.

I try to be pretty positive about things - see the light when there doesn't seem to be one and realize that this, whatever it may be, is only a glimmer in time and be thankful for what I do have instead of thinking about what I don't. But there comes a time when, damn it, I just can't be positive anymore. And that time has come.

For some reason, my college experience has not been the wonderful, blast, time of my life like I thought it was going to be. For some reason, it seems that I've played every single card wrong when it comes to the decision making process. (except for living with Ashley ... that was a really good card I got dealt)

First, I decided to live in the all girl dorm instead of the co-ed dorm which seems like a great idea except now, I don't really know any guys here so I don't have that big friend base I always had in high school and beyond. And, I decided to live with someone who didn't have much time for activities other than school and also didn't go out on the weekend. So consequently, I didn't have a roommate to go out with and missed out there too. 

I can't tell you how many times I've gone out this year and people have said, "do you go here?"

Then, this year, I decided to rush. I had my heart set on a house & was made to believe they had their hearts set on me too so I didn't put down that I was a legacy at one of the houses on campus because I didn't want to hurt my chances of getting into the house I loved. But then I didn't get into any house. And now I know that if I would've put that I was a legacy on the sheet, they would've only been able to not ask me back if they went to a national board and said why.

And last night, we had a housing selection meeting (because everyone at Butler has to live on campus until senior year) where everyone was assigned a number and apparently, all of us in the group of girls I'm living with got a very low number because by the time our number was called, all the apartments in the nice apartment village were filled and we were forced to choose a corner apartment, facing a building in the old, grungy apartment village a mile from the academic buildings.

So, I'm over being positive right now. I honestly don't understand why I've gotten dealt the bad cards in every situation - or why I've chosen to play the wrong ones. 

Because right now I feel like my hand is full of Jokers and they're all laughing at me.